"The View from Here"
YD Industries Employee Weblog (aka - "blog")
By H. V. Smith

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Entry 24

An emotional week with Terry O. leaving (thanks to all who joined in to get TO the very nice YD Hologram lapel pin. It DOES look she's winking!) Now...since I'm feeling low...and not just my blood sugar...I present another SHIT LIST.

1. Office Baby Boom. As if it wasn't enough to have my neighbor Carlita telling me how I need to "Settle in and get the marriages," I have to face this at work every day, too. And did it really cost $250 for a diaper carrying bag? I thought the bag (which looks like a leather briefcase to me) would at least have some DIAPERS IN IT. Jeez. Somebody got ripped off. Oh yeah, that would be me. grumble...grumble..
2. Frasier reruns. I am hooked. Absolutely hooked! That Niles guy kills me.
3. The blistering heat of the staff kitchen's dish washer. Who set this puppy for ENERGY SAVING INFERNO!?
4. Amphibious Thursday. Nuff said.
5. Inadvertently participating in Amphibious Thursday by wearing my swimtrunks as underwear, due to lack of supply in the clean bin. HAPPY ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN!
6. Access Privileges. Don't have admin clearance? Huh? Someone tell me why I cannot download a generic media player? How am I supposed to watch Frasier at wor... never mind.
7. New cafe trashcans. Nothing says upscale like new punched metal boxes...for holding trash. Another reason I won't get a raise this quarter.
8. The genius who set up this blog to read in the opposite directions of every other blog in the world. Oh, sure, it makes PERFECT sense for the current content to be AT THE END! Argh. Terry did not have a chance to fix that before he left.
9. My new facial mask. Ok. Now will someone tell me how to clean $40 Egyptian Clay out of my washcloth??!
10. Charging for kisses. Uh... if you're going to put chocolates out on your desk, I don't think it's fair to ask for money for "replenishing purposes." That is a choice, dude. Like my choice to reach in and take 5 and eat them in the men's room while reading Medieval Weaponry Today. Forget I said that last part.

I'm heading off the map to the Red Baron. Bert's dragging me to try the Fly-By Pie. I'll probably be out the rest of the day.

Entry 25

Urgent note - priority set to high!

To the visiting consultant from the Gavena Group assisting us through the desktop actualization and subsequent reauthorization process: You are in need of an immediate and radical hygiene intervention! That mustache should be quarantined and repeatedly washed. With borax. And lemon Pledge.

Rule number one of customer relations - LYB (Look Your Best). This should be transparent to you.

Entry 26

Ho boy. I think this picture tells the story of how much fun we had at our quarterly staff retention afternoon. Well, actually this looks like we're having fun. Which I guess Cathy and Mike did racing their balloon speeders. But I was left at Table 14 with Cindy, Manuel, and most of the IT staff. In other words, it was the Knights of the Dork Table. I did enjoy swapping eBay mishaps with Jerry "Steamboat" McCord, but other than that, I could not wait to get back to work. So I guess another Mission Accomplished for the retention team. Way to go.

Also, the event snacks were subpar. The Krakatoa Crumble certainly failed to live up to its name and I did not even try the cheese boats.

Entry 27

Weather advisory for all team members located in Thornduke 3! There is a 60% chance of T-Storms (aka a visit by Senior Analyst, Ms. Teresa Jennings). You'll be able to tell how far away she is by counting the time in between the shaking of your cubicle walls and the rumble of her baritone "suggestions".

Entry 28

In case you didn't see this - it came in coded green from the supercomputer at 7:22pm, Thursday:

"It is with great sadness that we bid adieu to our dear Deputy Director of Administration (and President of the Terrier Society, Ms. Tyra O'Neil. Tyra, or Rhonda (as she was known around the office- at least to me, until yesterday!) joined the YD Team in 1983 as an Undersecretary of Internal Distribution Policies and quickly rose through the ranks, relying on her quick wit, her generous sense of humor, and the undeniable benefit of being of Richard Thornduke's third wife's neice. But don't fret! Though she leaves a substantial amount of work unfinished or simply untouched, we are confident that we will find a replacement very soon. Aside from her work with the unflappable Terrier Society, we will probably be able to phase this position out entirely in the next two years or so. Or just use a robot. (Cindy, - let's set a meeting about this next week - I'm in Aspen till Tuesday, but can conference in if need be.)

There will be a brief cookie and orange juice farewell party in the old TD3 OrderUp! kitchen. I won't be there - but have a cookie for me! Please wish Tyra all the best as she plans to spend the next few months with her family. And by family, I think she means Scoot and Snapper, her two Terriers. Tyra remains to the best of my knowledge, unable to reproduce by natural means. But maybe she can work on that, too. Good luck, Tyra! --- DK"

Here's Tyra's Founder's Brunch Photo:

If I hurry, I can snag a white chocolate cookie and a cold Cran-Raspberry CapriSun before the rest of the gang gets there.

Entry 29

ACK! If I hear one more stupid thing about audit prep... time for another Shit List:

1. Cancellation of the Holiday Ice Skate and Chili Party. Apparently not enough people signed up. I saw the list in Cindy's outbox. It was me, Needleburn, and Kyle's new assistant Darren. I am trying to NOT take that personally.
2. Gingerbread Lattes. Yeeuck.
3. Divisive office politics. I am NOT naming names. (Rhymes with Mindy)
4. Co-worker medics. When I tell you I have a cold, you should assume that I am doing what I need to do to take care of myself. I actually don't need you to suggest zinc-eez or sniffle snuffers, just hear that I am in pain and that you feel for me. I do not need to listen to how you beat the cold you had last week by drinking nothing but grapefruit juice and that powdered vitamin-C crap. Maybe you should have just stayed home instead of touching things at the office, like doorknobs or the start button on the copy machine by my cubicle or the community Red Vines in the break room.
5. Those cutout snowflakes. Lame.
6. Company secret Santa gift exchanges... Wow. A gift card! To Smoothie Town. Thanks. No, I DO like Smoothies. Totally. Thanks. I hope you like the calculator watch. It was tough to find.
7. Reclassification Procedure. To make an extra $6 an hour, I need to spend the next two weeks writing my reclassification request, and then wait up to 6 months for it to be approved, and another 6 months before it gets instated. I might as well ask to be reclassified as a walnut... cause this is NUTS!
8. New down, honeycomb comforter. I'm basting under this thing.
9. Technical Limits of TIVO. Cause like, if I could TIVO at will, I would TIVO the hell out that time Cindy took a header off the curb last July. I'm sure she thought no one saw, but she was wrong.
10. Cashmere dog sweaters.

Well, at least Order Up! has those frosted green tree cookies in stock now. I'm going to go eat me a short stack.

Entry 30

How annoying is new tech advisor, Doug Bramley? If I hear him say "In your face!" one more time, I will start making some really weak coffee in the break room.

Speaking of the breakroom, half of the four pound tin of carmel corn has been consumed over the last two hours. I hope that others are following my lead and scooping helpings with a CUP as opposed to with their HANDS!

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