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Entry 31
A few things have me wound up today - so let's get right to 'em.
Shit List Vol. III Entry 31
- Singles Comedies. I can't tell if I am more of a Carrie or a Samantha!
- Discounted Ethnic Decor. I was in Pier 1 the other night looking
for a set of those candle holders you can put in the bath tub, you
know the ones the float on the surface of the water? Well...I spied
that ubiquitous wooden frog with a fishing pole that was in the
discount shelving. Like, how lame is that frog? What ethnicity
celebrates anthropormophic amphibians?
- Misdirection. Someone explain to me how I went into Pier 1 hoping
to spend $5 on bath candles and ended up spending $347 on wicker
products? Please? Seriously.
- Cindy McClellan getting a raise. That woman installed a mirror. A
big f***ing mirror. (Ok, two mirrors. Whatever!)
- Skunk Season. WHAT THE $%*&*! Why does everywhere smell like
skunk? Is it me?
- Dean Kramer's endless emails about Powerpoint. OK, I get it, you
need help. But, some of us are busy, k? Get the hint. Jeez.
- Checking messages. Look, if someone calls me on my celly, I call
them right back. I don't NEED to check the message to know you want
to get in touch with me. Anyone with me?
- The taste of Black-Cherry Vanilla Lactaid. Yeeeuck. AND in a
chalky texture. Double Yeeeuck.
- The Bumper Sticker. I think you know which one I mean. Yellow Toyota
Pick up, P5, the sticker reads: Even Good Girls Need Spankin. Wha?
You're broadcasting this? Try podcasting.
- New carpet allergies. I get hives everytime I walk to get a
reimbursement dispersal form. Part of some master plan? You tell me.
Off to Noodle Poodle. I need a Sumi Bundle.
Entry 32
HV SMITH has been asked to remind you that PETROLEUM FESTIVAL is coming up! Reserve your booth drapery now!
I LOVE this time of year. The Kettle Korn at the petroleum fest is absolutely out of this world. I've already got my event badge since I pre-registered.
Entry 33
Happy Year of the Dog!
I looked it up and I was born in the year of the Snake. My opposite is the Boar! I guess I'm zodiacally obligated to keep avoiding Kylee Williams. Ha! What a BOAR!
Entry 34
PetroFest Report
HV Live from the Black Carpet!
I arrived in Grand Fork yesterday for the much anticipated YD
Petroleum Festival. Apparently, despite my being in Consumer
Electronics, I'm the only who can operate the DLP for the
presentations AND Diana said she could use another body in the booth.
So I agreed (as long as I was guaranteed my OWN room at the DoubleWest
Inn) and will hope to bring you the very latest news from the floor.
In case some of you have not been lucky enough to attend a Fest
before, here's some pointers as to what to expect.
Lots of free stuff! In just one lap around the floor (and on the way
to Posey's Pork N' Pull ~~~HEAVEN!!) I picked up the following: glow
in the dark oil rig keychain; a button that says Oil See You Next
Fest!; four frisbees; a baby doll tee with a dinosaur diving into a
gas tank; and a beer cozy from Huntington Global.
Booth Babes!
Normally this would not phase me in the least, but in
the few years since I have been at an actual PFest, there are
certainly more women around. I guess some of them are paid to hang
out and talk, but whatever. I'll take it. This is a picture of Candi
and Michelle. They were super sweet to talk to. AND I learned a lot
about these white doo dads they were selling. I think it makes toast.
Not sure.
More tomorrow! Gotta head out again to grab a Birch beer and some nachos.
Entry 35
HV From the Floor - Petro Fest Day 2 - actually Day 1.5
My head is spinning! This PF is turning out to be the highlight of my year.
Diana and Kip "had plans" last night, so I ended up just kind of milling around the LifeGas booth as they were packing up. 
Diana and Kip packing up their gas after a long PetroFest.
I was sort of reading their brouchures, and enjoying a great lightbox presentation they had, when a fellow with Neil on his name badge approached and asked if I wanted to grab a beer down at the local Mondays Mondays Saloon. I at first said no, as there was a program on giant snakes I was planning on watching back at the DoubleWest, but then I thought, this is what I need, screw Diana and Kip and their endless canoodling, time for HV to get WILD!
And well... did I ever! Neil is a Drill Nerd, and spends most time figuring out some kind of complicated software to operate the oil rig in the Gulf. Anyway - we talked about software glitches, and the problems we encounter with the same clueless tech support company - SumoRoman Inc. (Thus must have a lock on the mega-corps in this dept - they're everywhere!) Anyway - I was in the middle of my second brew when Neil told a hilarious story about a new department-wide online calendar meeting. Needless to say when the idiot from SumoRoman could not make the invite friends function work - I nearly (ok did) shoot my black and tan through my nose! SO FUNNY! Anyway - we laughed and laughed and then said our goodnights....yeah right!
But what happens at PetroFest stays at PetroFest! HAR!
Entry 36
There is a Minotaur doing WHAT in the mail room? 
OMG! Worst All Staff Meeting ever! Apparently some Senior VP went in to use the shredder in our mailroom. There, he was made aware of the new calendar that someone installed to replace the serene nature scenes of last year.
This new one features mythic creatures in vaguely sexualized positions. (I've attached the less salacious sample above coding with bbedit.) Actually it was Bernadette who suggested that things were headed to Sex Town in these images, and I have to admit that the Moon Walrus is a little tingly making.
Anyway - four hours later, we agreed to leave the calendar up, but no one is allowed to look at it. I could have completed 14 Talbot Reports in that time. Jeez. Welcome back, me.
Off to the Bagel Dome for a Schnauzer Snack Sack.
Entry 37
Hey Shitters, Spring Ahead!
My newest shitlist:
- Blogs. It's like, impossible to keep up. I have so much to do at work, it's getting hard to post all the things I hate about doing work.
- All the f@#&ing crap on the back shelf of Sabrina Chang's Toyota Camry. I took a quick tally for you to consider: 1 tweety bird stuffed animal; 2 family boxes of kleenez, one with aloe, one empty; 1 pound puppy; 1 roll of paper towels, extra absorbent; a flashlight; a comb (LOL!); 3 purple sharpies, extra fine; a half melted yellow M&M; and a leaking pump bottle of hand sanitizer. WTF? Would you date this woman?
- Toilet, Men's Room, middle stall, floor 3. Don't make me tell you why. Read the signs, people.
- Lemon bars. No thank you.
- Getting forwarded an email from I think, the woman who sits at the desk outside Ron's office. Mind you I have never met this woman, but because I happen to be on the Monthly Organizational Meeting email list (abbreviated as MOM in the company wide contacts list). Funny to think about the other people on that list, cause there are some pretty VIP people there, and the email she sent was for her latest business venture, which I gather she is pursuing on company time. Please do yourself a favor and visit passionparties.com! Perfect for any group of co-workers or strangers you might like to invite. HA!
- Wait... did she mean to send that her MOM? ewwwww.
- Cats named Charcoal. Actually, come to think of it, cats in general.
- Whoever brought in the Peanut Brittle. How about writing an expiration date on that. More like Peanut Asphalt.
- Speaking of asphalt - I am not into that soggy asphalt right at the corner of Old Barn and Mayflower. What's going on here? Just as I step off the curb I sink two inches and twice now I have nearly lost my Sumi Bundles! Is paving that hard?
- Free coffee days. God, the riffraff they have over at the Dunk and Sip. This is one promotion that has certainly backfired!
Off to find a Frozen Maple Nut Cone at the new Licking Post that just opened where Piglio's used to be. FINALLY! TTFN!
Entry 38
HV Smith here with a variation on an old theme. I give you my "Shirt List" -
with thanks to Claudette for suggesting I discuss this vital topic
The Shirt List!
- Turtleneck. HATE IT. Maybe my neck is the wrong shape, but when I put one of these on my head feels like cream cheese forced through a toothpaste nozzle.
- Madras. WTF.
- Silk. After a brisk walk back from Castle Pounder this is a wet sticky nuisance that clings unnappealingly to my man folds.
- Short Sleeves. I feel naked.
- Tank. Distracting because my rarely seen arms become two giant white flanks that I can't stop looking at. Wearing one of these in Palo Verdes meant a fat lip when I walked into a parking meter.
- Suede. I'm not sure that was supposed to be a shirt, but it made my winter 1988.
- Linen. Great. A shirt that's unwashable. WTFx2.
- Funny Tees. NSFW - i.e. I wore one to the Retention Supper in 03 that had the slogan "BEER SLUT" in puffy paint and it meant a lot of weird messages for like a year from Daphne Romaine in the Gravel Library.
- IZOD. This alligator is code for pretentious prick. Oops. Hi Jim Lyle!
- Brightly colored button down oxfords in 100% Cotton sized 17 1/2 x 32/33. PERFECT.
Off to Wave-Riders for a Fish-Stew in a Bread-Bowl.
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